Things I Hear On A Daily Basis
Preface: this is from my point of view. This is from my own experiences and from my life. I am not speaking for anyone else.This is a serious topic for me.This is something that happens to me, and that I see happening to people around me.I usually try to pepper my posts with gifs and jokes…Not this time. I hear things like this on a daily basis. “You know what’s funny is that you’re band isn’t that bad.” “Wow, finally losing some of that weight.” “I never expected you to do so well!” “You’re doing pretty good for a guy with your history.” “If you find a sweet girl with low standards, you’ll be lucky!” Sometimes they’re not so nice. Sometimes it’s just… Coworker: (to general staff) I feel lucky, this is a great crew (turns to me) ya know, except for some people who suck haha Friend: You’re not a friend, you’re more of a part of the eco-system – akin to a fly or a tape worm. (After this one I was visibly wounded) Are you really holding on to that? YES!YES, I AM! I get that most of these are said in jest. I even get that most people aren’t saying things just to be mean. Let me take a moment to say this:As a male, I see this a lot. I experience this a lot. I hear this and deal with this a lot. What’s worse – I think like this A LOT! I’ll get to that in a soon…Where to begin is difficult. Do I start with talking about how in a society that tells me to be vulnerable I still have people taking jibes at me, and if it affects me it’s my fault? Do I start with telling you all about how ingrained it is in me – as a male – to cut down other males, especially if they’re doing well? Do I start with pointing out how people with observe others doing this and simply laugh at the “jokes” that are being made? Do I start with telling you (whomever you are) exactly how it feels to be torn down. Every. Day. Of. Your. Life…?By your friends. Co-workers. Loved ones. Strangers. Maybe all of them?… Side note:Observed today –Woman greeting another woman: “Hello, darling!”Man greeting another man: “Hey, asshole!” Everywhere I look nowadays I see articles, memes, Reddit shares, T-Shirts, posters, and so on – telling me to be vulnerable. “Authentic.” I see/hear about how I need to open up, let people in. Add in the fight against toxic masculinity (that’s another layer, believe me). But, if you let your guard down, if you let yourself be vulnerable – YOU WILL BE HURT. That is a simple fact. But, shouldn’t you have some safe people? What if the people you’re “supposed to feel safe with” still hurt you? What if they make snide remarks or backhanded compliments?When do you put the armor back on?When is enough enough?Sure… No pain, no gain.But, let me tell you something from this guy –I have lived a life with trauma, evil things said and done to me, and I am not strong enough to constantly let down my shields only to be hurt again and again.There are some times where I feel strong enough, bold enough, or just confident and awesome that I drop all the masks – that I let my...
read moreCustomer Service & The Authentic Person
So, I work in a customer service/Food service industry in a tourist town.For now.Yay.Yes, it is fun. Yes, it is amazing. Yes, I am lying.Right now, we are coming to the end of our busiest season until Summer hits again. The Winter holidays are always stressful for us. We have to work crazy hours. We have insane amounts of people coming into our shop. We have to suffer through people not knowing what they want, people who want to talk politics to us, people who are angry that we say anything/everything other than “Merry Christmas” – and they want everything NOW!Most of all, service with a smile.Short story: A few months back I was having a terrible day. I felt bad, I’d had an awful day of interactions, and to top it off – I was exhausted. Someone came in to the shop and her first words to me?“You should be SMILING!”Again…All day and all night I see people in my shop, I see posts on social media, I see blog posts, I see articles and shows, I see books and apps – on being more authentic. I hear people saying how everyone, EVERYONE should be more honest, courageous, authentic.I agree.BUT!I, like many, was raised and trained with the philosophy of“When you come to work, you leave all your problems at the door.”Even now, when training newbies, we have to give them that talk.Even now, people come in to our shop – into shops everywhere and they want everyone smiling and happy. But, they want a real answer when they ask, “How’s it going?”I get it. I don’t want to be covered in other people’s problems when I go to get groceries or a cup of coffee, or nachos.But, I also don’t demand that they be happy as can be.If they are someone I know, someone I like, someone I want to know about – I will ask them how they’re doing…But, come on – which one do you want?Do you want to know how people really are?Do you want to know when they’re falling apart?When they are at the end of their rope?Do you want a social nicety?Do you want them to say their “fine” or – even more honest, but not too honest – they’re “here.” “Living and breathing.” “Vertical.” – well?Or do you want people to smile big, toothy smiles, and give you that happy-happy joy-joy treatment that has been the mainstay of customer service for so long?It’s not easy to do – pretending to be happy. Day after day, year after year, I have put that mask on when I went to work. Now, after years of doing it, I find myself struggling with it. But, I can still manage to fool everyone – customers, boss, coworkers – into believing that I am Jim-Freakin’-Dandy.Please, especially during the busy times of year, be nice to people in the service industry. Be patient with them.Be kind and patient with...
read moreA Note On My Family
I was going to write more about EMDR. I’m not going to. I’m going to talk about my Aunt Lottie. My Great-Aunt, my Grandpa’s sister. She’s a humor-point in a lot of my stories about my family.I wish I could share her voice – imagine the voice of an elderly, sweet, somewhat stereotypical New England Jewish lady. She’s a Jewish mother & Grandmother through and through. My mother and I would joke that if someone robbed her house she would ask them if they were hungry. Her first words upon seeing guests (or meeting anyone) would be seeing if they had eaten, and then she would ask how you were doing – or introduce herself. Whatever. That voice… When I was younger, she would call me and let me know who she was – even though I had caller ID, but even if I didn’t, that voice is UNMISTAKABLE!“Hello, David? This is your Aunt Lottie.”“Really? I thought it was Ed McMahon!” This is a short story from my youth that still makes me laugh. This was years ago – when Vanilla Ice made it big, and every white Jewish kid was sagging his Docker knock-offs & wearing their clip-on bowties slightly askew…I was with a couple of my cousins in one of the bedroom at Aunt Lottie & Uncle Paul’s house – we had a cassette of Mr. Ice playing, and right at the end we echoed his sentiment: “Word to your mother.” To our shock we heard that unmistakable voice from the doorway… “What word?” How great it that, am I right?!?! Aunt Lottie’s the kind of lady who – well into her 80’s and going blind from diabetes, she was still knitting, crocheting, and sewing blankets – and winning local competitions with it! Also, her pickled herring was somewhat world-famous in Central San Diego. My mom let me know that Aunt Lottie passed last night. I haven’t seen her or spoken to her since I left San Diego and moved back to Idyllwild. I miss that voice. That was a voice that will be in my memories for a long time (I hope). That was a voice that made me laugh, and that always held a piece of home for me. I remember being at all ages and stages of my life, sitting around that dining room table in Aunt Lottie’s kitchen, talking, eating, being annoyed with my family or laughing with them – sometimes both at the same time.I remember coming home to visit at 19, being with a good amount of my cousins and sitting at that table – having my mom tell me to show everyone my new (first) tattoo (a guitar with wings). Not something you usually brag about in a Jewish family, let me tell you… Haha. She never made you feel unwelcomed.And she was always happy to see you.And she pronounced burrito with a Y towards the beginning in such a way that I can’t even spell, but was adorable as hell.If I close my eyes and think about her, I can smell her walk into the room. There’s no morals here. I just wanted to share these stories.I’ll leave them here so I can find them again...
read moreThe Word of The Day
There are some words and terms I hate. I’m not talking about the ones that are racist, sexist, or so offensive that we only refer to them by letter- like the F-Bomb, The C-Bomb or the often forgotten Parenthetical-Bomb. This time I am talking about one word in particular. One word that started out as a joke, but now… Now it is just something that really grinds my gears! That word is this: Bromance. Yes, Bromance. I know what you’re thinking – But Hey, Mr. The Page, a Bromance is a good thing! It’s so awesome for men to be able to share that kind of platonic love! .Sure it is. I mean that seriously. But let’s take a moment here to see why I have a problem with it. Urban Dictionary defines A Bromance as: “Bromance is the combination of two words, “brother” and ” It describes the unique male bonding found between “brothers from another mother”. This is between heterosexual males and no matter what is never seen as a gay relationship, though it may be joked about.” And Wikipedia defines it as:“A bromance is a close but non-sexual relationship between two or more men.It is an exceptionally tight affectional, homosocial male bonding relationship exceeding that of usual friendship, and is distinguished by a particularly high level of emotional intimacy. The emergence of the concept since the beginning of the 21st century has been seen as reflecting a change in societal perception and interest in the theme, with an increasing openness of western society in the twenty-first century to reconsider gender, sexuality, and exclusivity constraints.” Does that seem all fine and dandy to you?It sure as hell doesn’t to me. I have had a few good friendships in my life – I have gotten close to just a few male friends (Timm, I miss you! Pedro, my man. Sam, F Yeah! Hell, all the boyos in the band!But this wasn’t called a “Bromance.” They were my friends, my best friends. That’s all there was to it. But, now, everywhere I turn, I hear people calling these friendships a “bromance.” I had a friend come back into town, he came by the shop where I work to say hi and grab a cup of coffee. I came around from behind the counter to give him a hug and tell him it was good to see him. Someone I didn’t even know said, “wow, love the bromance atmosphere in here.” I wanted to glare at the random woman, but I was at work. I had a moment’s chat with my friend and resumed my duties. From what my research tells me, Men have been around for a while. At least 100 years, maybe more, I don’t know for sure, I wasn’t there and I’m making up the research to be flippant. My point is this – I am sure that men have had serious, close, intimate, non-sexual relationships for a long time. I think that they were usually called “friends.” I hear so many people, people of every gender & lifestyle, both using this term and talking about “enlightened males.” I hear people talking about “vulnerability” and “acceptance.” When two people – men, women, non-binary, gender fluid, and so on – when two people are close enough friends to be emotionally intimate, to share parts of their hearts and souls without it being sexual – don’t fucking mock it. I’m sure that most people don’t give it a thought, I’m...
read moreIt’s Coming!!!
I have been doing a little bit of thinking and a whole lot of writing. Really. A lot of writing. I have thought about it and I think I am going to start a page on here just for my writing. So, I’m going to do just that! There will be fiction. Oh yes, there will be fiction. There will also be non-fiction stuff that I just feel belongs on the writing page and not on the blog section. Maybe even some sci-fi, poems, or semi-organized rants. Anyhow, be warned… It’s...
read moreRules of Engagement For Songwriters by A Special Guest!
Allow me to introduce a fellow musician, songwriter, writer, and creator. Mike O’Cull is one of the people that makes me jealous – I write one song, he has written a micro-poem, a blog post, an article, and had a pizza. Mike has been doing this for a long time, and he is always sharing what he learns openly. He is one of those cats that I like to talk to because he’s real with what he says and what he does. He doesn’t BS, he just puts it all out there. Mike is one of the people that I believe, come hell or highwater, he wil continue to work on his craft. Mike was nice enough to write this post just for my blog! AWESOME! THANKS MIKE! RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FOR NEW SONGWRITERS! By Mike O’Cull www.mikeocull.com A lot of us write songs and even more of us want to. From the outside, songwriting can seem like somewhat of a dark and mysterious art form. Songwriters create sounds and feelings from what often looks like thin air and this makes aspiring writers unsure of where or how to start. I’m not going to teach you how to write a song today but rather set you straight with some ideas about songwriting in the larger sense. The mechanics and craft of your style of writing are for you to develop. There’s no limit or boundary to the types of songs that can be written, so if Peruvian bluegrass metal is your thing, run with it. I’m here to show you how to not lose the mental game of songwriting. The last thing I want for anyone is to end up with a bunch of unfinished tunes and a bad attitude. In that spirit, here are my basic Rules of Engagement for new songwriters. These are still the core principles that guide me. Gain these and you will be unstoppable. Miss them and risk not connecting with your audience. We don’t want that, do we? Of course we don’t. Onward into the fray! 1 – BE RUTHLESSLY AUTHENTIC! The best thing to be is true to yourself. Write the music that turns you on. Never write anything because you feel you “should.” If you paint by numbers, so to speak, your audience will listen the same way. Work to develop your own creative voice. 2 – BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE CREATIVE! Creative people believe in their hearts that they are creative people. This is crucial and often overlooked. Remember, if you think you can or you can’t, you’re right. To become a songwriter, simply start writing some songs. Who cares if they stink? If you don’t believe in your own creativity, you’ll never write anything. 3 – AIM TO BE MEANINGFUL , NOT SOUND MEANINGFUL! This is a big one that is, again, often overlooked. Too many songwriters string words together that are what they think an audience wants to hear, hoping to get an instant response. Pandering, in other words. Superficial wordplay might work for a truck commercial but it won’t help build a lasting audience for your songs. Instead, write simple, deep, and true about what’s important to you and some folks out there will see themselves in your words. Greats from Johnny Cash to Chuck D to...
read moreEMDR & E M D R
“EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.”You can read all about it HEREI’m not going to educate you on EMDR – it’s not my place, and I’m not a certified therapist (yet).What I am going to talk about it my experience with EMDR – and how that became not just a way of healing for me (and many, many others), but how it inspired me to create the album titled (ready for a shock?) E M D R.Now, why was I going to EMDR to start? A lot of reasons. There have been traumas in my past, and there are problems in my present because of it. I am doing it to heal, to repair, to have a way to not feel all the shame/indignity/disgrace/humiliation/pain/torment that I felt. And, what was revealed to me later, I would be able to feel better than I had ever thought possible. So, I got myself a therapist. I call him Captain Therapy. After an initial meeting, discussing what my goals were, self-limiting beliefs, distress levels (usually 1-10), and traumas that I would like to face down – we got into it. He described it like a pendulum: “You’ll go a little into the red (the trauma), and then a little into the blue (the safety of the here & now). In my mind’s eye I saw him wearing a Victorian era suit and moving his pocket watch to-and-fro in front of my eyes, hypnotizing me. In reality he didn’t use a pocket watch – but he held his hand up, two fingers like a scout, and moved them back and forth and my eyes followed.Needless to say, it didn’t take much for a flood of tingling to go across my brain and – as I focused on a particularly painful memory – I was immersed into it. From somewhere between first and third person I was able to watch the memory unfold. It took several sessions for everything in the memory to reveal itself to me – the emotional memories that are contained in the mind and body can hide.Side Note: For some people, like me, the visual style doesn’t work as well as tactile. So, with Captain Therapy, we use hand buzzers. They go back and forth – left hand buzz, right hand buzz. I close my eyes, focus on the memory or feeling that I am going to be working on – and… GO! Now, while I’m in the thick of it a lot of things happen. I have different reactions. I see things, some are memories, some are my mind’s interpretation, and some are just my mind trying to figure out how to explain what happened to me when the memory first happened.The mind is always going to try and fill in the blank spaces – be them missing memories, emotions, or even explanations. A part of the EMDR process for me is questioning these things. And accepting certain things. Something else that happens is physical reactions. I will be in the middle of a pass (one of the times when I am in the middle of the back-and-forth of the buzzers), and I will feel my nerves fire...
read moreEMDR, Charlottesville, Hate, what more can I say?…
I have to be honest. I hate this. I was planning on taking this time to do a lengthy, honest, and kind of geeky post about EMDR therapy. I can’t write about that right now. Why? Is it because I’m having a food hang-over? No (even though I am). Is it because I’m currently binging on Netflix a show about tiny houses? No (even though I am). It’s because I can’t go 30 minutes without having at least one moment where the madness in Charlottesville and the shmuck in the Whitehouse come up. I could go on for a long time about what I believe. I could talk about how I am currently working on ridding the anger that I have lived with for so long, and how that is messing with my ideas of not hating anyone or anything – trying to be empathetic when I can… I can only empathize with people to a certain point. Hating and hurting is well beyond that for me. I’m The Page, not a saint. I am angry.I could tell stories about growing up as an Israeli born Jewish kid and the things that still get said to me (jokes from Southpark, people using the word “kike”, and so on).I could talk about my god-parents, and the fact that they are wonderful people who always made me a part of the family. Oh, and they’re African American – which caused some strange looks and other reactions when I would go out with my godfather. I could talk about my family. I could talk about my friends. I could talk about what I think we need for social justice.I could say “Hey – Mr. President! Mr. fuckin’ Cheeto In Charge! Can’t you just say that racism is bad? Can’t you just say that? Can you simply acknowledge that racism is terrible? That there is no True Race? No Master Race?Can’t you just say that racism is bad? Can’t you just say that? Can you simply acknowledge that racism is terrible? That there is no True Race? No Master Race?Can’t you just try, for a second, to pretend that you’re human like the rest of us and not a mutant lovechild of Auric Goldfinger, A Cheez Doodle, Humbert Humbert, and The Monopoly Guy? This was your chance to prove that you’re not a completely a racist, xenophobic, sexist, megalomaniacal, wishy-washy bloomin’ idiot. But no… You just had to be yourself…”I had My Lady assure me that she would fight if they came for me. She said she would hide me if she had to. I wanted to cry. I hate that she has to say that. I hate that I have to think to myself that I would fight for my family and friends because they are not white (or orange), not Christian, not straight – not whatever. I hate that I had to respond to My Lady with this – “I won’t hide. I’ll fight.” I don’t want to fight anyone. I don’t want to die in the streets fighting a war that THIS COUNTRY ALREADY FUCKING FOUGHT! I don’t want to have to fight for my family because people can’t see that the basic right to live should belong to EVERYONE! I have so much I want to say about this, but I can’t find the right words. I will say this: Don’t hate. Not for the reasons we saw people marching....
read moreYour Music Is Bad & You Should Feel Bad
Everyone – musician, artist, accountant, whatever, – every human has been criticized. I’ve had people call my music shit. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it has happened. And – yes, it will happen again. What do I do after? Sometimes, I wallow. I sit there and pity myself and question my passion, dedication to, and love of music. I hate the person who said it and I hate myself for believing them. One of several things brings me out of this place.I comfort myself by looking at music gear online or playing music. It’s silly, but it works.I look to my friend, my partner, my Lady for her support and feedback. She has a way of grounding me and bringing me back to my usual hopeful, daydreamer, full-of-wishes, stars-in-my-eyes, believe-and-it-will-happen self. (THANKS, LADY!!!)3.I Fight an internal battle where I defend myself and argue with a version of whomever said such vicious things that my mind makes up – and, win or lose, I give them the old bird and go about my way. Again, usually with some help from my Lady. My point is this…IT DOESN’T MATTER IF SOMEONE SAYS THAT YOU ARE SHITTY AT WHAT YOU DO – IF YOU LOVE IT, KEEP DOING IT! Note: As long as it is morally okay, hopefully legal, and so on… Don’t hurt other people, don’t hurt yourself, don’t hurt animals… You get the point. Here’s the thing, the world is full of negative feelings, thoughts, and people. Sometimes those thoughts & feelings are inside us – and sometimes those people are the ones that are closest to us. Other times it is Joe Barfly who drunkenly shouted insults at your bands first show, or Jane Von Hoity-Toity who says your art isn’t art at all at your first gallery showing.When it’s inside your head, there are a number of ways to ground yourself – just look at some of these links. More can be found pretty easily. But, this one, this one, and this one are right here! If it’s someone else, then look to your strengths. Look to your passion to get you through it. Look to your friends, your Partner, your fans, your family, chances are that at least one of these people will say something to contest whatever insult was slung your way. Sure, it sounds codependent, but having someone who has your back is a beautiful thing. Don’t rely entirely on it, but use it to help your own inner strength. Don’t forget, you can also look inside – sure, you have that hateful voice in your head – but you have the voice that loves what you do and has faith in you somewhere in there too.I want to say, to my Lady, to my friends, to my family, to my three fans, to my Self –Thank you for your love and support. I won’t give up. I don’t want any of you to give up, not now, not...
read more5 Ways To Get Over Stage Fright
I have a lot of people ask me how I can get up in front of a crowd and play music, tell stories, make jokes, perform. Everyone seems curious about how I don’t have stage fright. I read blogs like Sonic Bids who post about different things for us music folks to do – like THIS and THIS. While I think they have some good ideas, I thought I’d put together my own ideas. I hope they’re helpful. So, here’s my list of how to get over stage fright. Don’t. Even after years of performing with bands, and more than a year as a solo act – I still get nervous. I feel the anxiety coursing from my brain down to my nerves right now just thinking about being on stage. So, what do I do? I use it. Being on stage, I have two choices: I can either put on an authentic show and let my fear power me, or I can put on a mask (more of that later). Use the fear, use the anxiety, use the nerves. When I let go and just embrace it, I find I not only give a better performance – and one that is enjoyed more by the audience – but I also find it easier to find the groove for the night. Sooner than you’d believe, the fear is gone. Suck It Up. The truth of the matter is that most of the audience won’t really care if you’re nervous. They are there to see you perform, to hear some music, and to let go of their own worries and have fun. I tell myself this before almost every show, “Suck it up. You want to be a musician, you want to sell albums, you want this as a career? Then suck it up and go play the show. Or, go find a different passion.” And that is, in a way, the truth of the matter. Do I want to play music for a living? Yes. Do I want to constantly tour and play shows? Nope. I dream of the introvert musician life – but, until I can make that happen, I’ll do what I have to on a stage. The Mask & The Bluff. Everyone’s heard the term Fake It Til Ya Make It. Sure, that’s one idea. But, why not take it a little further? When I need an extra boost, I’ll emulate some of my heroes. I’ll go into Tom Waits mode and tell a story that rambles around while using a raspy voice. Or, I’ll play an instrumental or something that lets me go a little crazy on the guitar – I’ll pretend no one can see my face, like Buckethead. I encourage my fellow performers to find a mental place they can slip into as a mask, it can help. BE WARNED: Do not overdo it. Your audience is there to see YOU, not your impression of someone else (unless you’re in a tribute band). So, don’t get stuck in the mask. Deep Breaths and Vision. Okay, you’re up there on a stage, you’re playing your show, what are you forgetting? Breathe! Take some deep breaths. It’ll help to get rid of the anxiety (it aids in turning off the amygdale – The Fight or Flight response – read more about...
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